Here I am.

Well, here I am, officially unemployed. Actually, I arrived here last Wednesday, but it's taken a few days to sink in. Eight years at the same job may not seem like such a long time, but it was long enough for certain habits to develop. Like waking up early everyday, coming downstairs and making a cup of coffee before I get ready for work. I still do that, except that cup of coffee lasts all day. Its hard to get my brain to understand that we no longer have any place to go in the morning and that it would be ok to sleep late, say till noon or so. So here I sit, with my coffee cup, early on a Monday morning.

The temptation to panic hovers close by, especially since my husband is also unemployed, as of this past February.  Panic sits there, with a smug look on its face as if to say, "I'll wait. Sooner or later you'll let me in." He's wrong, and I'll tell you why.

My husband and I have not been sustained all these years because we held down jobs. We have been sustained because we know God through our relationship with His Son, and our God has held us in His hand. Our loss of employment wasn't some cosmic "oops" as God suddenly dropped two of His children.

As I look around the world I live in, I see so much cause for panic. If having a job and a house and a car is the reason I have felt secure, then I have been fooling myself, and my hold on security has been with a very thin thread indeed. So I had to go face to face with panic, and settle in my own heart where I would choose to stand in this circumstance.

My loss of a job did not take my heavenly Father by surprise. He remains, as always, my sole sustainer and provider. His plans for me are good. He is for me, not against me, and He dearly loves me. This world is not my home, I am journeying through on my way to my true home. All of the things that surround me, everything that can be taken away from me by man, are only temporary anyway. I have what is eternal, and no man can take that away. My Father can split the sea and allow me to walk on dry ground, He can speak a word and create something from nothing, He can cause bread to fall from heaven and bring water out of a rock. His power is indisputable and unstoppable, and He is well able to care for His children.

So, here I am. Standing on the truth of who God is, and in light of that truth, the loss of a paycheck is a very small thing. God's plans for me involve far more than a paycheck. And while those plans may include walking through a process of fire, I am familiar enough with His fire to know that it will accomplish nothing but good in me, and glory for Him.

While the human heart has a tendency to shrink back in the face of uncertainty, I am choosing to stand up, turn around, face my loving God and say "Here I am. You lead, I will follow." This is not a display of  bravery, or false confidence. It is the stance of a woman who gladly handed over her life to Jesus 22 years ago; a woman who has tasted and seen the goodness of God; a woman who knows what faithfulness looks like because He has displayed it to her time and time again. It is the stance of a woman who has set her heart on pilgrimage, a woman on her way home, who will not allow the loss of a job to change her course.

Panic just doesn't stand a chance.